..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
