if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize