I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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