remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
not ubering you a puppy
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
