broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
