I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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