Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
