I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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