i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
