I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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