Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I don't deserve a penis
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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