I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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