If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
