Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
