Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
