Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
