I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
