Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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