we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
