i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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