I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
