I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We need to get me chipped asap
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
