Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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