whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
