So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
