Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
