People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Randomize
