the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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