How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
