I think I am morally bankrupt
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
