Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
