Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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