I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
