Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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