I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
