I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
