He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize