beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
