I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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