Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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