On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize