I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize