see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
