I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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