She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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