My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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