Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
