Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
