Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
