She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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