so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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