and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
