I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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