Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
