Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
