Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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