just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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