I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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