Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
